As I start out on this new journey of my life, I look back at my life and explain about my own fears as a child and the things I have faced. By doing so I give others the strength to share their life’s as well.
Leave The Light On
I wasn’t always afraid of the dark, but as I got to about 6 or 7, I couldn’t sleep unless the light was left on. It went further than this and that if at night why watching the telly I needed the loo, I wouldn’t go on my own. I know most children ask their parents to go to the bathroom with them, but this was different. I wasn’t just scared, I was petrified. Petrified to go up the stairs and back down again.
As the years went by, being in the house on my own was awful. I couldn’t relax and was willing my family to hurry up and get home.
Starting Secondary School
I had a happy childhood and my days at infant and junior school are very happy times for me. The secondary school in the first few years was okay, but at about the age of 13 things changed. I didn’t feel at ease at all and found the place very daunting. I had some good close friends, but I still struggled. I didn’t do too well in classes. I found maths and English quite difficult. I used to stand at the side of the teachers’ desk saying I don’t understand or ask my school friend to help me. I did however like Biology, especially Human Biology and Chemistry was quite exciting as well.
The School Bullies
I don’t know why I was picked on in school. I was quiet and a very sensitive and caring young girl. I kept myself to myself, but that didn’t stop girls from being unkind and hurtful to me. The worst thing ever was that I got told in class that after school when I went for my bike I would be joined by the school bully. True to her word there she was. I got my bike and looked up to see not only her but about 15 other kids shouting fight. As I walked past my heart racing I saw a punch come towards me and it hit me in the cheek. It didn’t hurt, must of been the shock. I got home late and my mother could see I was upset. She went up to school the following day and things calmed down and so did I.
Finding Out My Mother Is Unwell And First Sign Of Physical Anxiety Signs
About 6 months on my mother became very ill and went into the hospital. I hadn’t noticed my hands shake before until I went on holiday to Italy with the school. I was sat having my dinner it was soup. As I raised the spoon my hand began to shake. I felt embarrassed about it. I didn’t notice it again until we got back to school after the trip. As I sat at the dinner table I could no longer sit with people anymore, I felt self-conscious of everyone and I had a tremor in my hand again.
Avoidance Of The Dining Hall
It got worse and finally, I didn’t sit in there anymore, I paid for a sandwich or hamburger and sat outside with my good friend Maxine. Maxine would bring extra sandwiches and we shared cheese spread and half a galaxy chocolate together. She looked after me and at the weekends I would visit her and my cousins and we would hang out together.
Two Reasons Why I Suffer From Anxiety, Even Today.
I think as I look back there were two things going on here for me. The first was that I didn’t feel safe at school or feel protected. When we feel like this we also feel very insecure and don’t enjoy life or the places that we go to. The second thing was my mother was very poorly, she had liver cancer. She was my protector the person who made me safe and kept harm away from me. Without her, I was totally lost. She spent quite a while in the hospital. I experienced separation anxiety quite bad. I have written a post called “Losing My Mother To Liver Cancer” and you can read all about it on this site.
My life Up To The Age 19
As I got older and the years after my mother died my nerves got really bad. I thought that I would never ever be able to go out and have a meal or drink with anyone. Relationships were something I would avoid. I so wanted to have a close companion, a boyfriend, but because of how I was feeling I felt that I just couldn’t get past it. What person would want to be with me, being like that? I did meet someone, my first proper boyfriend. I did struggle, but most of the time we had a good time and we shared laughter, going for long walks and music. It didn’t last a long time, but I was happy and in love.
I went out at weekends and danced the night away in my hometown. Singing was something I always enjoyed and I started to get up on the karaoke. I was nervous don’t get me wrong, but I pushed myself to do it. I sang in many pubs around the time and I’m not a bad singer either.
On And Off The Roller Coaster Of Life
So as you can see it hasn’t been an easy ride for me. I have had to face many challenges and somehow pull through them. In life, we are all faced with things that challenge who we are, or even have us questioning why me? I don’t know why me, but what I can say is that, after all this, I am still reaching for a happier and much calmer life. Through my own experiences, I hope I touch other peoples life’s and can only hope that through my own honesty and writing my life here, that you know I am genuine and care deeply, not just about other people, but myself as well. Self-love is the hardest thing ever, but I am learning.
